upside down

I laughed so hard today I cried. It's funny the little things that can set me off. Sometimes it's a word or statement, and other times it is situational. Today, my 10 year old misused a word and I was wheezing, choking, crying. It felt great.

My life these past two years has been anything but smooth. I have given two pieces of my heart to another mother to raise. Two sweet little boys, full of promise, hope and life. The six of us were heartbroken when we kissed them for the last time and drove away. I have left a whirlwind of a marriage, crawling away full of fear, anger and complete brokenness. Confronted with the reality that I would not survive if I remained and torn apart by the burden of failing my children, I ushered in an new beginning. I have had two surgeries, the first unsuccessful and the second following a crisis bringing me dangerously close to the edge, leaving me weak and completely exhausted. I have packed and moved twice and now sharing a house with another family. I have spent countless hours and borrowed 30K to fight what feels today like a losing battle in court to provide for my five. I have listened to my kids cry in their sleep, treated self inflicted burns and bruises, confronted the reality of imminent financial collapse, relied on friends and loved ones to put food on the table for my kids, and all the while I keep trying to push back the overwhelming desire to crawl into bed for a few weeks and pull the covers over my head. I have lost the support of my family this year, my true friends can be counted on one hand and I have no church home at the moment. I wake up feeling underwhelmed with my choices each and every morning.

So, where do I go from here? Yeah, I've been asking myself that question for the past few months. As much as I would love to embrace this gypsy lifestyle I currently live, my soul cries out for stability. My brain is wired for it. The unknown makes me uneasy and anxious. I struggle to embrace direction for my life, and for my children's lives, and I'm crippled by fear of the unknown. I like well laid plans, organized chore charts, full fridges and schedules that make sense.

I can imagine that Jesus' disciples must have felt some of the same things. Leaving behind their families, security, lifestyles to become the first followers of this man who called himself many names; bread of life, light of the world, I am.  I don't think they looked at each other and said, "This is a well thought out plan. I am glad we roam from city to city, living on charity and the land." They trusted, for the most part, that their needs would be met. I do not believe they starved or suffered from debilitating diseases. Perhaps they doubted their plans for a day, but I do not believe they doubted their faith walk with Him. They may have wondered aloud, whispered questions and asked why, but their love and devotion for the Son of God transcended all earthly understanding. While I can imagine that the 12 of them had disagreements, disappointments and regrets, I think they had a sense of peace that I do not currently possess.  They may not have grasped the weight of their witness, but I do not believe they regretted the journey. And the ones that chose to stand at the foot of His cross, visit His empty tomb and spread His good news never again questioned His perfect plan.


I need to be leaning on the truth that He is my everything. He can hold me in His hands when I struggle to sleep at night. He can carry me thought another difficult court date and He can soothe my feelings of failure.  He can do all the redeeming my life needs right now. I can count on Him to be there crying with me in my darkest moments and singing with me when I rejoice.

Today I ask that you pray for me. Pray that my voice sings more praises tomorrow. Pray that my soul seeks to dive into His word with new purpose. Pray that my heart seeks to be more like His again.

Written for Him whom I love to love, and long to live to serve fully again......

discouraging...

Why? I know it's a word that I am encouraged not to ask God, but sometimes no other word fits the current scenerio. I used to shy away from asking why, afraid to utter it, fearing that God would have some absolute, unthinkably awful answer. But I think I know Him better now. He already knows what I'm thinking. He knows I'll ask Him and He always has a perfect response.

Lately, I've been asking myself why a great deal of the time. I am not sure if it is because of the constant shifting of financial sand under my feet, or the ever changing of the guard (friends in vs. friends out), or something much more detrimental to my soul. Is it my rebellion? Could it be my pain? What is causing me to fall on my knees and ask WHY so much?

I know my only defense is to be immersed in scripture every day. Each morning my alarm wakes me as the sun is rising and the first things I reach for are my bible and my phone. I love to listen to sermons, read daily devotions and flip through His word. Nothing grounds me, calms me, soothes me like His promises. I do admit that there are days when I am reluctant to read because I know He has something He is going to be asking of me that I may not want to do. Or something He is calling me out on, or even worse, something I am living out that He cannot condone. It is all for my growth, I know this, but I am tired right now, and I want rest. I want to be told I am doing something right. I want to hear Him whisper in my ear words of praise, or at least encouragement. I could use some cheerleading right about now. I don't like the refining He is doing in me. It hurts.

Satan loves to try and confuse me, whisper seductive words in my ear and attempt to fill my overloaded brain with conflicting ideals. Ultimately, it is not satan who has the power to succeed if I am choosing to speak Jesus' name out loud in prayer, something I lean on often. But I am not always successful in my spiritual war. It rages some days, wreaking havoc on any sense of peace or confidence I cling to. On other days, it ebbs and wanes, giving me a chance to grasp His truth a little tighter before the onslaught begins again.

I know this.....God never promises that He will call my name in esteem or say He will lift my name on high while I live. He would never call me anything other than His loved child. Why do I expect more? Why do I think I deserve an answer when I pray with this attitude? Why do I continually seek approval for things He cannot smile down on? I'm not sure what I am looking for when I ask these things of Him. I do know that if I'm not listening for His answer, I'll miss it all together. He always answers my prayers. He has never failed me there. I have been my own stumbling block, watching for the response I want, not the one He gives with deliberate purpose, undeserved mercy and unrestrained grace.

Almighty Father, giver of life, beginning and end, awesome in power and worthy of all my praise, I ask that you take residence within my soul. I know that you are the one true God, the only one who can calm all storms, heal the broken, reclaim the lost and rebuild the defeated. Fill me with your truth until I am overflowing with songs of worship. Allow me peace from the war I am fighting and heal my battle wounds. I need your promises engraved on my heart, resonating in my thoughts, always. Grant me the strength to stand tall in this armor of yours and the stamina to run full out towards you. Keep my eye on the promise of my eternal home and allow me to live something so much bigger than 'why'.   Amen

God's first.

Overall, it's been a strange week. Some of it has been wonderful, but most of it was a painful lesson in obedience. I don't know how your brain works, but mine never shuts off. I find it difficult to concentrate when I have big issues to address, and more so when the issues are deeply personal. It sometimes seems that God grabs my attention when I least want it, shaking me when I lack focus and convicting me when I attempt to fight Him. I am a slow learner, pathetically so when it comes to controlling situations. I like to do things my way, and it often backfires, but I still do it time and time again.

I have a very dear friend, someone who has stood by me this past year through all the turmoil. This friend has sacrificed tremendously, at great cost to himself, never expecting anything in return. He has cared for my children when I could not and driven me when I could not drive myself. He has slept on the floor when I have been sick. He has offered sound, honest, godly advice when I have struggled to make decisions. He has been a constant source of strength and patience, always putting others before himself. And over the months I have seen the huge impact my health issues and divorce have had on this dear soul. It has been weighing on me. How do you care for someone who has given so much of themselves? When they are struggling with their own burdens, carrying the weight of their own life, how do I reach out? What do I need to do, God?

I remember when my second son Jacob was so sick. We were told he would not live past his first birthday. Labeled 'failure to thrive' with multiple major health issues, each month was a victory. My parents must have sensed we were struggling and needed a vacation, something we could not afford. They brought us to Camp-of-the-Woods, a Christian Family resort in Upstate NY. I came to Christ that week, in a packed auditorium sitting on a cement step, listening to Alistair Begg preach on Ecclesiastes 3. At seven months, Jacob's very life had become the center of my world. It had consumed my time, robbed my peace and crushed my spirit. I was selfish, vain, angry, compassionless and so very lost. In one fell swoop, God intervened. He took my life, broken and aimless, and filled it with His promises. I learned about His grace, felt true mercy and found forgiveness I didn't know was possible. I also knew what role God expected me to play in Jacob's life. I was not to be the possessor, gripping him so tightly in an attempt to keep him alive and mine. I was to hold him out to God, with open hands, and allow Him to have Jacob as His, first. I fought it. I knew I could lose him, and it terrified me. But I also knew that God had a plan for Jacob, and though I couldn't see it, I had to trust it was so much greater than my own.

God asked me to do something a week ago, and initially, my reaction was the same. LEAVE ME ALONE. Praying on my hands and knees, pleading with God to give me direction I could get on board with, He spoke my friend's name in my ear.  This time, I knew my willfulness could have cost me something I couldn't afford to lose. I knew what I needed to do. To give this dear friend the space to get his own life back in order. To return the gift, what was given freely to me by him, with open hand. Time. Time to focus on his work and catch up on the piles and piles of paperwork the last few months had produced. His willingness to sacrifice for my kids and me had come at great cost to him. And though I had heard him say he needed solid time to work, I didn't do enough to make it a reality for him.

I am not always a good listener. I came up with all kinds of valid excuses. Ok, not valid, but seemingly sound excuses. But God was clear, I needed to find something to do this past week that required I get out of my comfort zone. I needed to take my five and give this friend what was very overdue. So, I went camping for the first time as a single mom. We shopped and cleaned and packed and left. And it turns out, the gift of time wasn't just for my friend, it was for me, too. I poured into my five, spent hours playing games, sitting on the sand, listening to their funny stories and laughing until my sides ached. It was beyond healing.

God has blessed me greatly this year, some things have been easier to see, but I know all of it has been for my good. In a few short weeks I will be back at Camp-of-the-Woods, and it feels a little like it did 15 years ago. I know I need God's word, and daily devotions are so important, but I also need grounding of a different kind this year. I need to be back where it all started. I need to soak in the beauty of His creation surrounded by others who may be dealing with things far more painful than me. And I must always remember that my friend, along with my children, belong to God, first.

Lord,
I know you see my stubbornness, and yet you do not anger. I know you see my sinfulness, and yet you do not abandon me. I know you see my brokenness, and yet you hold me together. Father, please be with me as I continue to learn to do things your way. Help me find peace in it. Give me your grace and continue to show me your mercy. I know this week was a test, and I know how imperfect my response was. Help me to trust you more so next time my attitude will be more aligned with your desires for my life. Lord, help me be a better witness of your love to all who are woven into my life. I love you.....

so stinkin hard today.

Gosh, I am not usually one to openly complain, but I am running on empty and fighting an uphill battle this month. Sometimes I read those uplifting, silly cartoons others post on Facebook and laugh. Lately, I am finding myself struggling with the urge to de-friend these happy people. I know I am a happy person, really I am. Deep down somewhere I can't seem to tap right now, I am joyful. I am someone who loves to play games or pranks. Someone who loves to go on hikes and explore. Someone who loves to be out spending time with friends. I think my five kids are the neatest human beings alive and I can't get enough of them. So what's up with the grouch I've become? Who the heck is she? Do you know?

Maybe it has to do with the severe lack of sleep. Or trust misplaced. Or friends who disappoint. Divorce? Probably. Financial instability? Defiantly. Fear of failure? Absolutely. How many of us fall into the same sad pity party every now and then? I'd hate to actually know, but I'm sure the number would be shockingly high. How do I start crawling back from the edge of despair?  How do I catch myself mid-fall? To whom do I turn? Where does my hope come from?

I love the Psalms. They are like music, rhythmic and paced. There is something soothing in David's songs, something that draws my heart to the great Father I have. Like the sound of rain falling on a roof or crickets singing in the dark, providing peace and grounding that I so desperately need. David also suffered with doubts and perhaps even depression. Many of his great Psalms are examples of his struggles against the sin and spiritual pervasion of this world, and his role in it. From Psalm 51, his open raw repentance prayer to Psalm 145, his uplifting prayer of praise, David never hid his emotions. He was real before his Father God. Did he make mistakes? Did he have regrets? Did he ever feel deep dark separation from his maker? How easy it would be for me to forget that God already knows what I am struggling with. To try and put up walls, pray half heartedly, hide my hurts behind words and just get through the day.

So what does God promise me? David had it right in Psalm 121 when he said God is our help, our keeper and our protector from evil. David would know. God was there with him in the deep dark pit of sin he created for himself and there with him when he became the king God created him to be. If God can be with David, God can be with me. Psalm 55:22 reads "Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you." I need to be sustained right about now. My God, the one who loves and created me, will not leave me in my time of need. Even in the place I feel I am now, off the path and wandering, I can turn and find Him right there, watching over me.  I can find strength, peace and direction if I stay in His word and will.

Today, this will be my prayer.....

Lord, You are the alpha and omega, the truth and the life. You watch over me when I sleep and when I am awake. You know the very nature of my soul and delight in your creation. I am constantly falling short of your hopes and desires for me. I know that my sin causes you to grieve and cry out my name. I acknowledge that my willfulness and selfishness draw me further away from the safety of your arms. Please, Lord God, allow me to cling to your promises and grip the truth of your words. Grant me the grace, understanding and motivation to turn my back on evil and walk forward into a life with purpose. Forgive my disobedience and fill me with a heart that yearns to look more like your perfect Son. Mark my days with intentional praise, fill my soul with songs of adoration and lift my spirit to enjoy your everlasting gift of faith.
Amen

Full of Labels

Let’s face it, we all label each other. Perhaps we do it to enable recall, like names, or mutual connections. Or maybe we label others to solidify or publicize our relationship with them. But more often than not, we do it for more personal reasons. Labeling others to define where we stand on an issue or how we feel about another’s lifestyle can be a convenient way to detract attention from our own shortcomings. It is always easier to point out someone else’s flaws than deal with the mess we’ve made in our own lives. 

Max Lucado has written a children’s book titled You are Special.  It’s a wonderful story about the lives of Wemmicks, small wooden people who fill their days labeling each other with stickers. The pretty, bright Wemmicks are covered in gold stars while the blemished, cracked ones receive only gray dots. There is one Wemmick, Lucia, who has no stickers at all. The stickers do not stay on her because she chooses not to believe the labels associated with them. It’s a lovely reminder that God alone is allowed to label each of us, and he always chooses to call us His beloved.

We all have blemishes, sins and faults that others can see. We also have internal struggles that are hidden from the world, but always seen by our Creator and Maker.  We can become consumed with the obviousness of these sins and what others think of us, rather than what we know to be true. It’s so very easy to get caught up in perceptions, but this can also be very dangerous. While we may seek to achieve a certain social status or popularity, we can lose a piece of who we are in the process. Before we realize it, those around us befriend the idea of who we portray ourselves to be, rather than the creation that God had in mind before we were born.  We live in a world that values outward appearance and likability, dismissing morality and purity in favor of conformation.  

Two verses come to mind as I type this. First, Matthew 7:1-2 which tells us “Judge not, that you be not judged; for with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.”  That’s pretty self-explanatory. When we choose to place labels on others, we are judging them, often without cause, but always without authority. The second is from Romans 12:1-2 reading “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”  Both these verses serve as poignant reminders that we are called as His to be free from condemnation and conformity.  Our human labels only serve to pigeonhole and punish, but God’s labels us as His in 1 Peter 2:9.  “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. “ Wow, what wonderful affirmations for all of us who call Him our God and Savior.

Reflecting on Max’s book, I love Lucia because she does not allow what others think about her to diminish her value or self worth.  She walks through her days blissfully unburdened when peers give her stars or dots. I covet her ability to let go of anything said about her that comes from anyone other than the one who made her. What freedom must come in that!

What labels have you have placed on others today? Which of those did you allow others to choose for you? What label would you choose for yourself? I struggle with what others believe about me, and it often brings me great pain. But I can always remind myself of the truth God has written about me on His heart and that should be more than enough to sustain me until He sends his Son to bring me home. 

only lived fully in forgiveness

Total and complete forgiveness is something I struggle with. Not the act of telling someone that I have forgiven them, but the attempt to put it fully behind me. When I verbally release another from the guilt or shame they feel for what has transpired, I feel relief, and yet I know that often my heart is not feeling what my mouth has spoken. It's just like a lie. It pervades my thoughts, perverts my intentions and prevents my healing.

Recently, I chose to leave my husband of almost 20 years. It was not an easy decision, and was not entered lightly. While I could no longer remain in our relationship, I struggle daily with the results and grapple nonstop with my emotions.  I will not share what caused our decline, only that it was crippling emotionally and spiritually. I am now left sorting through a confusing mixture of grief and anger. I have only recently confronted the reality that I am responsible for my own lack of forgiveness, and by holding onto it, I am at risk of losing more that I can afford. In the end, my own emotions matter little. My feelings about what transpired, or how things ended, are irrelevant. I know this, and yet I continue to allow myself to relive it. I need God's promises in His word to help release me from the bondage of unforgiveness.

God is pretty clear about unforgiveness. He tells us in Hebrews 12:15 that our bitterness will cause trouble and defile many. Many. So I guess I'm not alone, although that does not provide much relief. Defiling myself doesn't sound like a good long term plan. He says in 2 Corinthians 2:10-11 "Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been forgiven for your sake in the presence of Christ, so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs." Dang. Unforgiveness can give Satan the upper hand and cause him to to get another advantage on me. I often feel he has already won that battle, I cannot leave myself open again.

But, it gets more dire than that. Mark 11:24-25 says this, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses." My unforgiveness can impede my prayers. My unwillingness to let go can come between me and God. John 15:5 tells me that "Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."  So, I can do nothing for Him unless I am right before Him. Verse 12 says "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." My inability to fully forgive effects my ability to love. If I can't forgive, I am not loving the way Christ requires me to. I'm going to call it 'loving all in.' I am called as God's child to love all in, all the time. Love without boundaries, conditions or restraint. To love all of others, not what I choose to love. To show love for others, even when I am struggling to do so. I cannot ask God to show me compassion or forgiveness when I am not able to take the first steps to be right before him.

The above alone has me turning from my stronghold, and the next should have me running. My unforgiveness shows that I do not truly love Jesus. Yes, it really does mean this and John 15:12 confirms it. If I am bitter or hold unforgiveness against someone else, I do not love them as Christ loves me. Taking that a step further, since I am not keeping Jesus's commandments, this proves I do not love Him as I should. Jesus says in John 14:23-24, "If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. Whoever does not love me does not keep my words."

It's this last one that scares me to the core, though. Jesus' command to love one another is carried on in 1 John 3:11-24, but it's verse 14 that convicted me. "We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death." I cannot afford to lose my eternal home because of my unforgiveness. I cannot expect God to overlook this sin and my unrepentant approach to it, and allow me to continue living the way I am now without calling me to action. I have hope for Heaven. It's referred to as the prize in Philippians 3:14, and I embrace this truth. My heart's hold on unforgiveness can hinder the reward, cause me to stumble in my faith walk, and lead me astray.

Today, I choose to confront my unforgiveness. I will pray fervently that God would intervene on my behalf, hold Satan at bay and allow me to love all in.

demanding of conviction, not condemnation.

Yes, I'm easily confused and less easily convicted. I find myself falling into the same traps time and time again. Perhaps I'm easily influenced or just naive. Either way, it's not unusual for me to be in a situation I shouldn't, wondering what the heck went awry. If I'm honest with myself, I know what I'm doing wrong.  I'm aware of my mistakes, but I allow myself to get in over my head. And often, I leave myself no way out. When was the last time you stopped mid-track, confronted by your waywardness, and did an about face?

I had just such an incident this past week. I was lecturing one of my boys about his laziness and inability to focus at the homeschool table. He had been turning in incomplete and illegible work for days, and I had reached the limit of my patience. He listened, nodded in agreement, and promised to put more effort in. Then he asked why mom's didn't have to follow the same rules. OUCH. Honestly, I hadn't even realized how lazy my approach to school had become. Or how my attitude about grading had slipped to the point that my eldest asked why I didn't check his work anymore. Truthfully, it had only be going on since we moved in March, but still, they noticed. Boy, that was enough for me to stop in my tracks and demand a turn-around.

My children are really quick to call my attention to my mistakes. Sometimes it's like they are following my every move. I think they are waiting so they can  proclaim loudly to all within earshot that they have further proof their mother is, in fact, not perfect. If only they were as convicted about the state of their bedrooms, or obvious lack of attention to personal hygiene. But, I believe God gave me them to keep me accountable. Since I am so easily deterred, and apparently unable to make appropriate decisions on my own, God saw fit to give me five whistle blowers.

Sin is so pervasive. Satan thrives within our confusion. He delights in our faltering. He lives in our lack of conviction. He's opportunistic and clever, always waiting in the shadows for us to turn his direction. He whispers and creeps, slinks and seduces. At the same time, I am a Christian. I should be able to function, think, act and speak as a Christian. How do I avoid the same mistake twice? Fifteen times?

Condemnation comes from Satan, it's his attempt to tear you down. Condemnation points out failure and shortcomings. It highlights problems but offers no solution. Satan's hold grows when Gods' beloved believe they are lost in their sin, to far gone to be saved. But God tells us in Romans 8:1, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Satan feeds on our shame, often causing us to fear judgement and feel unworthy. But Jesus says in John 12:47 "I came not to judge the world, but to save the world."

Conviction comes from Godly sorrow that leads to repentance (Romans 2:4) While condemnation calls attention to my failures, conviction calls me to restore my relationship with Christ, and the promise of forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins, and purify us from all unrighteousness." Conviction reminds me that Jesus' blood washes my sin away, making me whiter than snow.

Life in Christ truly is demanding of my conviction.

Lord,
Bring me into the fold of your love, protection and forgiveness. I know I cannot navigate the mass of confusion and condemnation that is my earthy world without your conviction. Lead me to a place where I can hear your words, allowing them to be imprinted on my very soul, absorbing my all wholly in you.

Amen