God's first.

Overall, it's been a strange week. Some of it has been wonderful, but most of it was a painful lesson in obedience. I don't know how your brain works, but mine never shuts off. I find it difficult to concentrate when I have big issues to address, and more so when the issues are deeply personal. It sometimes seems that God grabs my attention when I least want it, shaking me when I lack focus and convicting me when I attempt to fight Him. I am a slow learner, pathetically so when it comes to controlling situations. I like to do things my way, and it often backfires, but I still do it time and time again.

I have a very dear friend, someone who has stood by me this past year through all the turmoil. This friend has sacrificed tremendously, at great cost to himself, never expecting anything in return. He has cared for my children when I could not and driven me when I could not drive myself. He has slept on the floor when I have been sick. He has offered sound, honest, godly advice when I have struggled to make decisions. He has been a constant source of strength and patience, always putting others before himself. And over the months I have seen the huge impact my health issues and divorce have had on this dear soul. It has been weighing on me. How do you care for someone who has given so much of themselves? When they are struggling with their own burdens, carrying the weight of their own life, how do I reach out? What do I need to do, God?

I remember when my second son Jacob was so sick. We were told he would not live past his first birthday. Labeled 'failure to thrive' with multiple major health issues, each month was a victory. My parents must have sensed we were struggling and needed a vacation, something we could not afford. They brought us to Camp-of-the-Woods, a Christian Family resort in Upstate NY. I came to Christ that week, in a packed auditorium sitting on a cement step, listening to Alistair Begg preach on Ecclesiastes 3. At seven months, Jacob's very life had become the center of my world. It had consumed my time, robbed my peace and crushed my spirit. I was selfish, vain, angry, compassionless and so very lost. In one fell swoop, God intervened. He took my life, broken and aimless, and filled it with His promises. I learned about His grace, felt true mercy and found forgiveness I didn't know was possible. I also knew what role God expected me to play in Jacob's life. I was not to be the possessor, gripping him so tightly in an attempt to keep him alive and mine. I was to hold him out to God, with open hands, and allow Him to have Jacob as His, first. I fought it. I knew I could lose him, and it terrified me. But I also knew that God had a plan for Jacob, and though I couldn't see it, I had to trust it was so much greater than my own.

God asked me to do something a week ago, and initially, my reaction was the same. LEAVE ME ALONE. Praying on my hands and knees, pleading with God to give me direction I could get on board with, He spoke my friend's name in my ear.  This time, I knew my willfulness could have cost me something I couldn't afford to lose. I knew what I needed to do. To give this dear friend the space to get his own life back in order. To return the gift, what was given freely to me by him, with open hand. Time. Time to focus on his work and catch up on the piles and piles of paperwork the last few months had produced. His willingness to sacrifice for my kids and me had come at great cost to him. And though I had heard him say he needed solid time to work, I didn't do enough to make it a reality for him.

I am not always a good listener. I came up with all kinds of valid excuses. Ok, not valid, but seemingly sound excuses. But God was clear, I needed to find something to do this past week that required I get out of my comfort zone. I needed to take my five and give this friend what was very overdue. So, I went camping for the first time as a single mom. We shopped and cleaned and packed and left. And it turns out, the gift of time wasn't just for my friend, it was for me, too. I poured into my five, spent hours playing games, sitting on the sand, listening to their funny stories and laughing until my sides ached. It was beyond healing.

God has blessed me greatly this year, some things have been easier to see, but I know all of it has been for my good. In a few short weeks I will be back at Camp-of-the-Woods, and it feels a little like it did 15 years ago. I know I need God's word, and daily devotions are so important, but I also need grounding of a different kind this year. I need to be back where it all started. I need to soak in the beauty of His creation surrounded by others who may be dealing with things far more painful than me. And I must always remember that my friend, along with my children, belong to God, first.

Lord,
I know you see my stubbornness, and yet you do not anger. I know you see my sinfulness, and yet you do not abandon me. I know you see my brokenness, and yet you hold me together. Father, please be with me as I continue to learn to do things your way. Help me find peace in it. Give me your grace and continue to show me your mercy. I know this week was a test, and I know how imperfect my response was. Help me to trust you more so next time my attitude will be more aligned with your desires for my life. Lord, help me be a better witness of your love to all who are woven into my life. I love you.....