Total and complete forgiveness is something I struggle with. Not the act of telling someone that I have forgiven them, but the attempt to put it fully behind me. When I verbally release another from the guilt or shame they feel for what has transpired, I feel relief, and yet I know that often my heart is not feeling what my mouth has spoken. It's just like a lie. It pervades my thoughts, perverts my intentions and prevents my healing.
Recently, I chose to leave my husband of almost 20 years. It was not an easy decision, and was not entered lightly. While I could no longer remain in our relationship, I struggle daily with the results and grapple nonstop with my emotions. I will not share what caused our decline, only that it was crippling emotionally and spiritually. I am now left sorting through a confusing mixture of grief and anger. I have only recently confronted the reality that I am responsible for my own lack of forgiveness, and by holding onto it, I am at risk of losing more that I can afford. In the end, my own emotions matter little. My feelings about what transpired, or how things ended, are irrelevant. I know this, and yet I continue to allow myself to relive it. I need God's promises in His word to help release me from the bondage of unforgiveness.
God is pretty clear about unforgiveness. He tells us in Hebrews 12:15 that our bitterness will cause trouble and defile many. Many. So I guess I'm not alone, although that does not provide much relief. Defiling myself doesn't sound like a good long term plan. He says in 2 Corinthians 2:10-11 "Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been forgiven for your sake in the presence of Christ, so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs." Dang. Unforgiveness can give Satan the upper hand and cause him to to get another advantage on me. I often feel he has already won that battle, I cannot leave myself open again.
But, it gets more dire than that. Mark 11:24-25 says this, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses." My unforgiveness can impede my prayers. My unwillingness to let go can come between me and God. John 15:5 tells me that "Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." So, I can do nothing for Him unless I am right before Him. Verse 12 says "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." My inability to fully forgive effects my ability to love. If I can't forgive, I am not loving the way Christ requires me to. I'm going to call it 'loving all in.' I am called as God's child to love all in, all the time. Love without boundaries, conditions or restraint. To love all of others, not what I choose to love. To show love for others, even when I am struggling to do so. I cannot ask God to show me compassion or forgiveness when I am not able to take the first steps to be right before him.
The above alone has me turning from my stronghold, and the next should have me running. My unforgiveness shows that I do not truly love Jesus. Yes, it really does mean this and John 15:12 confirms it. If I am bitter or hold unforgiveness against someone else, I do not love them as Christ loves me. Taking that a step further, since I am not keeping Jesus's commandments, this proves I do not love Him as I should. Jesus says in John 14:23-24, "If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. Whoever does not love me does not keep my words."
It's this last one that scares me to the core, though. Jesus' command to love one another is carried on in 1 John 3:11-24, but it's verse 14 that convicted me. "We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death." I cannot afford to lose my eternal home because of my unforgiveness. I cannot expect God to overlook this sin and my unrepentant approach to it, and allow me to continue living the way I am now without calling me to action. I have hope for Heaven. It's referred to as the prize in Philippians 3:14, and I embrace this truth. My heart's hold on unforgiveness can hinder the reward, cause me to stumble in my faith walk, and lead me astray.
Today, I choose to confront my unforgiveness. I will pray fervently that God would intervene on my behalf, hold Satan at bay and allow me to love all in.
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