upside down

I laughed so hard today I cried. It's funny the little things that can set me off. Sometimes it's a word or statement, and other times it is situational. Today, my 10 year old misused a word and I was wheezing, choking, crying. It felt great.

My life these past two years has been anything but smooth. I have given two pieces of my heart to another mother to raise. Two sweet little boys, full of promise, hope and life. The six of us were heartbroken when we kissed them for the last time and drove away. I have left a whirlwind of a marriage, crawling away full of fear, anger and complete brokenness. Confronted with the reality that I would not survive if I remained and torn apart by the burden of failing my children, I ushered in an new beginning. I have had two surgeries, the first unsuccessful and the second following a crisis bringing me dangerously close to the edge, leaving me weak and completely exhausted. I have packed and moved twice and now sharing a house with another family. I have spent countless hours and borrowed 30K to fight what feels today like a losing battle in court to provide for my five. I have listened to my kids cry in their sleep, treated self inflicted burns and bruises, confronted the reality of imminent financial collapse, relied on friends and loved ones to put food on the table for my kids, and all the while I keep trying to push back the overwhelming desire to crawl into bed for a few weeks and pull the covers over my head. I have lost the support of my family this year, my true friends can be counted on one hand and I have no church home at the moment. I wake up feeling underwhelmed with my choices each and every morning.

So, where do I go from here? Yeah, I've been asking myself that question for the past few months. As much as I would love to embrace this gypsy lifestyle I currently live, my soul cries out for stability. My brain is wired for it. The unknown makes me uneasy and anxious. I struggle to embrace direction for my life, and for my children's lives, and I'm crippled by fear of the unknown. I like well laid plans, organized chore charts, full fridges and schedules that make sense.

I can imagine that Jesus' disciples must have felt some of the same things. Leaving behind their families, security, lifestyles to become the first followers of this man who called himself many names; bread of life, light of the world, I am.  I don't think they looked at each other and said, "This is a well thought out plan. I am glad we roam from city to city, living on charity and the land." They trusted, for the most part, that their needs would be met. I do not believe they starved or suffered from debilitating diseases. Perhaps they doubted their plans for a day, but I do not believe they doubted their faith walk with Him. They may have wondered aloud, whispered questions and asked why, but their love and devotion for the Son of God transcended all earthly understanding. While I can imagine that the 12 of them had disagreements, disappointments and regrets, I think they had a sense of peace that I do not currently possess.  They may not have grasped the weight of their witness, but I do not believe they regretted the journey. And the ones that chose to stand at the foot of His cross, visit His empty tomb and spread His good news never again questioned His perfect plan.


I need to be leaning on the truth that He is my everything. He can hold me in His hands when I struggle to sleep at night. He can carry me thought another difficult court date and He can soothe my feelings of failure.  He can do all the redeeming my life needs right now. I can count on Him to be there crying with me in my darkest moments and singing with me when I rejoice.

Today I ask that you pray for me. Pray that my voice sings more praises tomorrow. Pray that my soul seeks to dive into His word with new purpose. Pray that my heart seeks to be more like His again.

Written for Him whom I love to love, and long to live to serve fully again......