God's first.

Overall, it's been a strange week. Some of it has been wonderful, but most of it was a painful lesson in obedience. I don't know how your brain works, but mine never shuts off. I find it difficult to concentrate when I have big issues to address, and more so when the issues are deeply personal. It sometimes seems that God grabs my attention when I least want it, shaking me when I lack focus and convicting me when I attempt to fight Him. I am a slow learner, pathetically so when it comes to controlling situations. I like to do things my way, and it often backfires, but I still do it time and time again.

I have a very dear friend, someone who has stood by me this past year through all the turmoil. This friend has sacrificed tremendously, at great cost to himself, never expecting anything in return. He has cared for my children when I could not and driven me when I could not drive myself. He has slept on the floor when I have been sick. He has offered sound, honest, godly advice when I have struggled to make decisions. He has been a constant source of strength and patience, always putting others before himself. And over the months I have seen the huge impact my health issues and divorce have had on this dear soul. It has been weighing on me. How do you care for someone who has given so much of themselves? When they are struggling with their own burdens, carrying the weight of their own life, how do I reach out? What do I need to do, God?

I remember when my second son Jacob was so sick. We were told he would not live past his first birthday. Labeled 'failure to thrive' with multiple major health issues, each month was a victory. My parents must have sensed we were struggling and needed a vacation, something we could not afford. They brought us to Camp-of-the-Woods, a Christian Family resort in Upstate NY. I came to Christ that week, in a packed auditorium sitting on a cement step, listening to Alistair Begg preach on Ecclesiastes 3. At seven months, Jacob's very life had become the center of my world. It had consumed my time, robbed my peace and crushed my spirit. I was selfish, vain, angry, compassionless and so very lost. In one fell swoop, God intervened. He took my life, broken and aimless, and filled it with His promises. I learned about His grace, felt true mercy and found forgiveness I didn't know was possible. I also knew what role God expected me to play in Jacob's life. I was not to be the possessor, gripping him so tightly in an attempt to keep him alive and mine. I was to hold him out to God, with open hands, and allow Him to have Jacob as His, first. I fought it. I knew I could lose him, and it terrified me. But I also knew that God had a plan for Jacob, and though I couldn't see it, I had to trust it was so much greater than my own.

God asked me to do something a week ago, and initially, my reaction was the same. LEAVE ME ALONE. Praying on my hands and knees, pleading with God to give me direction I could get on board with, He spoke my friend's name in my ear.  This time, I knew my willfulness could have cost me something I couldn't afford to lose. I knew what I needed to do. To give this dear friend the space to get his own life back in order. To return the gift, what was given freely to me by him, with open hand. Time. Time to focus on his work and catch up on the piles and piles of paperwork the last few months had produced. His willingness to sacrifice for my kids and me had come at great cost to him. And though I had heard him say he needed solid time to work, I didn't do enough to make it a reality for him.

I am not always a good listener. I came up with all kinds of valid excuses. Ok, not valid, but seemingly sound excuses. But God was clear, I needed to find something to do this past week that required I get out of my comfort zone. I needed to take my five and give this friend what was very overdue. So, I went camping for the first time as a single mom. We shopped and cleaned and packed and left. And it turns out, the gift of time wasn't just for my friend, it was for me, too. I poured into my five, spent hours playing games, sitting on the sand, listening to their funny stories and laughing until my sides ached. It was beyond healing.

God has blessed me greatly this year, some things have been easier to see, but I know all of it has been for my good. In a few short weeks I will be back at Camp-of-the-Woods, and it feels a little like it did 15 years ago. I know I need God's word, and daily devotions are so important, but I also need grounding of a different kind this year. I need to be back where it all started. I need to soak in the beauty of His creation surrounded by others who may be dealing with things far more painful than me. And I must always remember that my friend, along with my children, belong to God, first.

Lord,
I know you see my stubbornness, and yet you do not anger. I know you see my sinfulness, and yet you do not abandon me. I know you see my brokenness, and yet you hold me together. Father, please be with me as I continue to learn to do things your way. Help me find peace in it. Give me your grace and continue to show me your mercy. I know this week was a test, and I know how imperfect my response was. Help me to trust you more so next time my attitude will be more aligned with your desires for my life. Lord, help me be a better witness of your love to all who are woven into my life. I love you.....

so stinkin hard today.

Gosh, I am not usually one to openly complain, but I am running on empty and fighting an uphill battle this month. Sometimes I read those uplifting, silly cartoons others post on Facebook and laugh. Lately, I am finding myself struggling with the urge to de-friend these happy people. I know I am a happy person, really I am. Deep down somewhere I can't seem to tap right now, I am joyful. I am someone who loves to play games or pranks. Someone who loves to go on hikes and explore. Someone who loves to be out spending time with friends. I think my five kids are the neatest human beings alive and I can't get enough of them. So what's up with the grouch I've become? Who the heck is she? Do you know?

Maybe it has to do with the severe lack of sleep. Or trust misplaced. Or friends who disappoint. Divorce? Probably. Financial instability? Defiantly. Fear of failure? Absolutely. How many of us fall into the same sad pity party every now and then? I'd hate to actually know, but I'm sure the number would be shockingly high. How do I start crawling back from the edge of despair?  How do I catch myself mid-fall? To whom do I turn? Where does my hope come from?

I love the Psalms. They are like music, rhythmic and paced. There is something soothing in David's songs, something that draws my heart to the great Father I have. Like the sound of rain falling on a roof or crickets singing in the dark, providing peace and grounding that I so desperately need. David also suffered with doubts and perhaps even depression. Many of his great Psalms are examples of his struggles against the sin and spiritual pervasion of this world, and his role in it. From Psalm 51, his open raw repentance prayer to Psalm 145, his uplifting prayer of praise, David never hid his emotions. He was real before his Father God. Did he make mistakes? Did he have regrets? Did he ever feel deep dark separation from his maker? How easy it would be for me to forget that God already knows what I am struggling with. To try and put up walls, pray half heartedly, hide my hurts behind words and just get through the day.

So what does God promise me? David had it right in Psalm 121 when he said God is our help, our keeper and our protector from evil. David would know. God was there with him in the deep dark pit of sin he created for himself and there with him when he became the king God created him to be. If God can be with David, God can be with me. Psalm 55:22 reads "Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you." I need to be sustained right about now. My God, the one who loves and created me, will not leave me in my time of need. Even in the place I feel I am now, off the path and wandering, I can turn and find Him right there, watching over me.  I can find strength, peace and direction if I stay in His word and will.

Today, this will be my prayer.....

Lord, You are the alpha and omega, the truth and the life. You watch over me when I sleep and when I am awake. You know the very nature of my soul and delight in your creation. I am constantly falling short of your hopes and desires for me. I know that my sin causes you to grieve and cry out my name. I acknowledge that my willfulness and selfishness draw me further away from the safety of your arms. Please, Lord God, allow me to cling to your promises and grip the truth of your words. Grant me the grace, understanding and motivation to turn my back on evil and walk forward into a life with purpose. Forgive my disobedience and fill me with a heart that yearns to look more like your perfect Son. Mark my days with intentional praise, fill my soul with songs of adoration and lift my spirit to enjoy your everlasting gift of faith.
Amen