Why? I know it's a word that I am encouraged not to ask God, but sometimes no other word fits the current scenerio. I used to shy away from asking why, afraid to utter it, fearing that God would have some absolute, unthinkably awful answer. But I think I know Him better now. He already knows what I'm thinking. He knows I'll ask Him and He always has a perfect response.
Lately, I've been asking myself why a great deal of the time. I am not sure if it is because of the constant shifting of financial sand under my feet, or the ever changing of the guard (friends in vs. friends out), or something much more detrimental to my soul. Is it my rebellion? Could it be my pain? What is causing me to fall on my knees and ask WHY so much?
I know my only defense is to be immersed in scripture every day. Each morning my alarm wakes me as the sun is rising and the first things I reach for are my bible and my phone. I love to listen to sermons, read daily devotions and flip through His word. Nothing grounds me, calms me, soothes me like His promises. I do admit that there are days when I am reluctant to read because I know He has something He is going to be asking of me that I may not want to do. Or something He is calling me out on, or even worse, something I am living out that He cannot condone. It is all for my growth, I know this, but I am tired right now, and I want rest. I want to be told I am doing something right. I want to hear Him whisper in my ear words of praise, or at least encouragement. I could use some cheerleading right about now. I don't like the refining He is doing in me. It hurts.
Satan loves to try and confuse me, whisper seductive words in my ear and attempt to fill my overloaded brain with conflicting ideals. Ultimately, it is not satan who has the power to succeed if I am choosing to speak Jesus' name out loud in prayer, something I lean on often. But I am not always successful in my spiritual war. It rages some days, wreaking havoc on any sense of peace or confidence I cling to. On other days, it ebbs and wanes, giving me a chance to grasp His truth a little tighter before the onslaught begins again.
I know this.....God never promises that He will call my name in esteem or say He will lift my name on high while I live. He would never call me anything other than His loved child. Why do I expect more? Why do I think I deserve an answer when I pray with this attitude? Why do I continually seek approval for things He cannot smile down on? I'm not sure what I am looking for when I ask these things of Him. I do know that if I'm not listening for His answer, I'll miss it all together. He always answers my prayers. He has never failed me there. I have been my own stumbling block, watching for the response I want, not the one He gives with deliberate purpose, undeserved mercy and unrestrained grace.
Almighty Father, giver of life, beginning and end, awesome in power and worthy of all my praise, I ask that you take residence within my soul. I know that you are the one true God, the only one who can calm all storms, heal the broken, reclaim the lost and rebuild the defeated. Fill me with your truth until I am overflowing with songs of worship. Allow me peace from the war I am fighting and heal my battle wounds. I need your promises engraved on my heart, resonating in my thoughts, always. Grant me the strength to stand tall in this armor of yours and the stamina to run full out towards you. Keep my eye on the promise of my eternal home and allow me to live something so much bigger than 'why'. Amen
